Movie Stars Read online

  Praise for Jack Pendarvis

  “At once the funniest and saddest thing I’ve ever read…. You laugh at what’s on the page; you’re haunted by what’s not…. Pendarvis isn’t afraid to let [humor] seep into his stories to mingle with the poignancy and poetry there…. In the end, all these stories are unfailingly kind to their characters and respectful of their cracked dreams. Pendarvis’ people want to be noticed, they want to be heard, they want to be recognized as special. In other words, they’re human. Only funnier.”

  —Laura Lippman, New York Times

  bestselling novelist, on NPR

  “Since the great Pryor and his multiple imitators I have pined for a genius who could stand and deliver equal wit and riot in any guise. Jack Pendarvis is the answer to that prayer…. Thank God Pendarvis, very Southern, is regionless because of his genius for language. The flabbergasted pilgrim, pedant, or loser has never been better done.”

  —Barry Hannah, author of Geronimo Rex and Airships,

  in The Oxford American

  “I would characterize him as a dangerously funny writer: his gaze doesn’t flinch when he looks at his characters, but throughout it also maintains an essential kindness. Risky, courageous stuff. Suffice to say, I’m a fan.”

  —George Saunders, author of In Persuasion Nation

  and Tenth of December

  “Pendarvis is a gifted, good-humored writer. He’s wry…his language full of provocative puns, eloquent blarney, and tips of the hat to the absurdity of modern culture. At his best, he is neo-Chaucerian. If you’re game, he’ll show you a rude, jolly time in a universe at once fantastic and familiar.”

  —New York Times Book Review

  “His characters are quirky and grotesque, infuriating and hilarious, and his stories’ unexpected twists are both impressive and thought-provoking…Pendarvis hits the heart as often as the funny bone.”

  —Publishers Weekly (starred review)

  “There is a kind of ruthless, terrible humor that can provoke utterly helpless laughter, and that, I think, would be Jack Pendarvis’ specialty.”

  —Times-Picayune

  “A writer whose stories work a little like Magnolia cupcakes: you can’t stop until you’re lightheaded.”

  —Village Voice

  “[One of] the 50 Best Books of the Year…completely ignores the traditional novel structure. Pendarvis pulls it off with a degree of magnificence.”

  —San Francisco Chronicle, on Awesome

  “Riotous…often surprises a giggling reader by nailing the emptiness of his characters’ self-absorption.”

  —Entertainment Weekly

  “Shares Twain’s timelessness…. Anyone who appreciates the arch satire of George Saunders will understand Pendarvis’ mission, but he’s nobody’s follower.”

  —Star Tribune

  “Unconstrained and wonderfully inventive.”

  —New York Observer

  “Hilarious…when Pendarvis is merely funny he is still really, really funny.”

  —Esquire

  Movie Stars

  Also by Jack Pendarvis

  The Mysterious Secret of the Valuable Treasure

  Your Body Is Changing

  Awesome

  Cigarette Lighter

  Movie Stars

  Stories

  Jack Pendarvis

  5220 Dexter Ann Arbor Rd.

  Ann Arbor, MI 48103

  www.dzancbooks.org

  MOVIE STARS. Copyright © 2016, text by Jack Pendarvis. All rights reserved, except for brief quotations in critical articles or reviews. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without prior written permission from the publisher: Dzanc Books, 5220 Dexter Ann Arbor Rd., Ann Arbor, MI 48103.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Names: Pendarvis, Jack, 1963- author.

  Title: Movie stars : stories / by Jack Pendarvis.

  Description: First Edition. | Ann Arbor, MI : Dzanc Books, 2016.

  Identifiers: LCCN 2015033335 | ISBN 9781938103452 (paperback)

  Subjects: | BISAC: FICTION / Short Stories (single author). | FICTION / Humorous. | FICTION / Occult & Supernatural.

  Classification: LCC PS3616.E535 A6 2016 | DDC 813/.6--dc23

  LC record available at http://lccn.loc.gov/2015033335

  Some of these stories have been published elsewhere, often in very different forms and with different titles: a portion of “Cancel My Reservation” in The Atlantic; “Detective” in Lent; “Duck Call Gang” in McSweeney’s; “Encouragement,” “Mississippi River,” and “Wheelbarrow” in The L.A. Review of Books; “Frosting Mother’s Hair” in Knee-Jerk; “Ghost College” in The Oxford American; “Jerry Lewis” in the anthology Mississippi Noir; “Joan Crawford: A Hot-Looking Woman” in Real Weird; “Pinkeye” in Pleiades; “Taco Foot” in Smokelong Quarterly; “Texaco Sign” in This Land; and “Your Cat Can Be a Movie Star!” in Cedars.

  Account of a deadly house fire taken, occasionally verbatim, from the Mobile, Alabama, Daily Register of January 18, 1885, though details have been greatly changed and the characters are, of course, fictional, with no relation to the actual victims. A few brief phrases, clearly indicated within the text, are quoted from an actual auction catalog, Property from the Estate of Bob & Dolores Hope.

  First US edition: April 2016

  Printed in the United States of America

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  Contents

  GHOST COLLEGE

  PINKEYE

  JOAN CRAWFORD: A HOT-LOOKING WOMAN

  JERRY LEWIS

  CANCEL MY RESERVATION

  FROSTING MOTHER’S HAIR

  YOUR CAT CAN BE A MOVIE STAR!

  MARRIAGE

  TACO FOOT

  TORNADO

  DETECTIVE

  DAZZLING LADIES OF SCIENCE FICTION

  APPENDIX: HURT’S NAPKIN STORIES

  THE BLACK PARASOL

  ART IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING

  DUCK CALL GANG

  For Theresa

  …and the members of Good Idea Club:

  Jimmy, Lizzie, Brendan, Liam, Bill, and McKay

  In the neighborhood of Leeds there is the Padfoot, a weird apparition about the size of a small donkey, “with shaggy hair and large eyes like saucers”…to see it is a prognostication of death.

  T.F. Thiselton Dyer, The Ghost World, 1893

  Movie Stars

  Ghost College

  1

  IN SHORT, EXPLAINED THE TELEPHONE VOICE OF THE SOOTHING woman, very little work, a nice salary, freedom, a place to live, all bills and expenses taken care of invisibly by invisible hands. There were no strings. She reiterated that he would be required to teach just one class of his own devising per semester.

  “My own devising, huh?” said Cookie. It sounded like a trick.

  “The Fellowship is designed to give you maximum time to work on your own projects, whatever they may be. You’re familiar with the composer Sir Robert Mandala? Best known for his 1965 symphonic suite Six Hypnagogic Pieces? The score famously included instructions for putting the orchestra into a trance prior to each performance, an anomaly in his catalog, an early experiment, yet it drew us to Sir Robert and his work. Sir Robert chose to spend his term as a Woodbine Fellow finishing his long-awaited opera Benedict Arnold, an earthy subject, you might say. He dedicated the score to us.”

  “That’s nice.”

  “Yes, an honor. So, as you can see, the personal work in which he was engaged during his term was not about conventionally paranormal subjects, despite the interests of the school. He enjoyed complete freedom and so will you. Incidentally, Sir Robert was so inspired by our students and our program here that he decided to compose his next opus on the subject of the yeti. As you ca
n see, then, the relationship was mutually beneficial. Sir Robert had been stuck on the last act of Benedict Arnold for thirty years prior to his acceptance of the Fellowship. We restored his creativity. Sir Robert, when last heard from, was hiking into the Himalayas at the age of nearly eighty.”

  “That’s great,” said Cookie.

  “He was never seen again.”

  “Oh, that’s bad,” said Cookie.

  “The premiere of Benedict Arnold was given in Fort Worth, where it received stellar reviews.”

  “That’s good,” said Cookie.

  “But the composer was not there to hear it. He is missing and presumed dead, of course.”

  “That’s too bad,” said Cookie.

  “We were drawn to you initially because of your marvelous novel Look Behind You. Our board believes it shows extraordinary sensitivity to matters supernatural.”

  “Oh, that was a novelization,” said Cookie.

  The woman asked what a novelization was and Cookie had to tell her in so many words that it was hack work so some corporation could make a few more pennies off a movie, and that the few people who had bought his mass-market paperback novelization of Look Behind You did so because Tommy Lee Jones was on the cover. It had nothing to do with Cookie’s so-called talents, except for meeting deadlines, of which he was the king. He could say that for himself.

  Later, Cookie’s wife came home.

  Cookie’s wife smelled so good, like a flower smoking a cigarette. She gave off warm waves. Cookie liked it when she leaned in and whispered. She always had a fever. She was a nature poet with superpowers brought on by her constant fever—a well-known nature poet who should remain anonymous here.

  “Well, we’re moving to Mississippi and I’m going to teach at a ghost college,” said Cookie.

  “Okay,” said his wife.

  Cookie liked his wife. She was up for anything.

  “I’d love to stop writing about pies for a living,” Cookie said.

  “You don’t have to convince me. And you’ve got that thing you’ve been wanting to work on.”

  “That thing has ceased to interest me.”

  “Maybe it will start to interest you again. Or maybe you’ll get a new idea.”

  “A new thing,” said Cookie.

  “A new thing,” said his wife.

  They clinked imaginary glasses. Ghostly glasses!

  2

  It was in a snug loft above an unpromising dentist’s office that Cookie took up his residence at the ghost college. There was no TV. A large, iconic white tooth, made of plastic and lit from within, shone under the bedroom window, and as Cookie and his wife would soon discover, it was never turned off.

  During the day, when Cookie was trying to write, came the whine of the drill and the screams of little children.

  Some fifteen years before, when the space, upstairs and down, had been occupied by a renowned doll hospital, an extraordinarily cruel murder—never solved—had occurred in the very loft where Cookie and his wife now lived.

  The generally sullen and mostly demure student who had shown them around upon their arrival, a young woman with bangs and cateye glasses, told them with an inappropriate burst of open delight how the killer had pooped on the floor.

  It was hard to sleep that night. Cookie’s wife tried to distract him with a loose floorboard. “Listen, it makes a donkey sound,” she said. She demonstrated. The loose floorboard made a hee when she stepped on it and a haw when she lifted her foot.

  Cookie was amused, but it proved a vague and temporary amusement.

  “This is all my fault,” he said.

  By now his wife was sitting at the little desk, working on a poem about the floorboard. Look at her. She was a visionary. A poem about a floorboard!

  “Why are we here?” Cookie said. “Where there’s no TV? What am I going to do without TV?”

  “Write,” said the nature poet.

  “How did we get shut up in this little place in the middle of nowhere with the stench of death all over it?”

  But it did give Cookie an idea for a first sentence: “The murder house had been turned into a bed and breakfast.”

  He imagined a big old Victorian house in the flat middle of Indiana: back in Victorian times, a man in a velvet suit had lived there and smothered his visitors with a special pillow. A hundred years later, a woman inherits the house from a distant relative she never knew she had.

  But there’s a caretaker who dresses up as the murderer and gives tours. Teenage girls want him to take their pictures as they lie in the murder bed and he holds a pillow menacingly over their heads. He comes to the gymnasiums of their schools and gives lectures in character:

  “Do I appear familiar? I invented a tonic that is still in use today. My talents include playing the harpsichord and adeptness at spontaneous rhyme. I owned a rather famous pet raccoon named Nero. Before the days of my more unpleasant notoriety, my raccoon was written up in Collier’s magazine as perhaps the largest domesticated specimen in existence at that particular moment in American history, though it must be admitted that raccoons in general were smaller then. How I envy your twenty-first century its healthy and enormous raccoons!

  “I am credited with inventing the saying ‘Somebody pinch me’ to express a surprise so very pleasant that one feels one must be dreaming. In 1892, I was put on trial for murder. Here in your twenty-first century, many people believe that I did not murder anyone. Others put the estimate at seventeen. My name is William Butter.

  “I, William Butter, died in my own bed. I was never convicted of any crime. When my body was found, my hair had turned completely white. Just the day before, witnesses had referred to it as ‘a healthy chestnut in coloration.’ Yet at the moment of my death, even my pubic hair turned white.”

  The students laughed and the teachers had to quiet them down.

  “And whiter than snow was my fine and luxurious mustache, formerly a source of constant pride. Some say it was my downfall, my famous pride. Others say that I did not have a downfall. On my death certificate, in the space provided for cause of death, the coroner made the unusual notation, ‘No cause.’ Why he did so is a mystery to this very day. But my humble existence was not always gloomy for me. I lived during an exciting period in our nation’s history. I had adventures and fell in love. This is my lively story.”

  ________

  3

  An abandoned playground is a gothic wonder, especially with frost on the ground and a lone grown man sagging in the saddle of a swing. Now imagine that the chinless, pale man, with teeth that stick out a little under an elaborate ginger moustache, has pale bulging eyes and holds to the chains of the swing, motionless. And now imagine him wearing a suit of plum-colored velvet and the soft white rabbit-skin gloves of a murderer. A purple silk top hat rests on his lap. His walking stick leans against one metal leg of the swing set’s frame. His overshoes and pant cuffs are covered in a greasy black slime that glitters with speckles of frost. The few slim trees are black and bare.

  “Is this swing taken?”

  Stanley turned his big, sad head and saw a girl.

  “Not at all,” he said.

  “Not at all!” said the girl. “I like the way you talk. Like a movie where people wear clothes.”

  “Should you be speaking to a stranger?”

  “I’m sixteen,” said the girl. “I’ll be sixteen soon. Legally, I can talk to whoever I want. My parents live overseas for some reason.”

  “I’m not comfortable talking to you,” said Stanley. “Let’s just sit quietly in our separate swings.”

  “Wait, who are you being?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I’m fourteen,” said the girl. “I’m telling you because you probably figured it out already. Don’t you recognize me?”

  Stanley didn’t look at her. He rubbed his nonexistent chin with his soft glove. He had not arranged for transportation because Jane Abbott, the new owner of Butter House, was supposed to meet him here
. He had expected to ride back with her. But she was almost an hour late and there was no way to get in touch with her.

  “I was in the class today,” the girl said. “So I couldn’t be sixteen. I thought you were really good today and informative about interesting subjects. That’s why I asked you who you’re being. Like, am I talking to William Butter right now?”

  “No,” said Stanley.

  “Could I?”

  Stanley looked at her. She was a kind girl with a plump, chapped face. Her lips were shiny from an application either medicinal or cosmetic. Her hair was straight and gave the impression that she did not care about it one way or another. She wore a leather jacket with numerous attachments. Her nails were painted a very dark red. She wore a lot of rings that looked like tin or plastic, and the cat-eye glasses of a bygone era. She seemed harmless, or at any rate an improvement over the rough boys who had tricked him into stepping into the slippery, sinking patch of black grass in which the school’s septic tank was acting up.

  “Did you have an interest in William Butter before my performance today?” he said.

  “No, do it as William Butter,” said the girl.

  “Have you long entertained an interest in my person?”

  “That is so cool.”

  “Cool in what manner?” said Stanley as William Butter. “I am not acquainted with this usage of the word.”

  “So, like, what’s it like to smother somebody?” said the girl.

  “I cannot say.”

  “You cannot say or you will not say?”

  “A fascinating distinction, yet I must leave your curiosity unsatisfied. In the time period and social milieu I occupy, it is most improper for a young lady to speak of such ghoulish fancies.”

  “I wonder what it’s like to get smothered,” said the girl.

  “I am no longer William Butter,” said Stanley. “I am back to being myself. I don’t wish to continue this conversation, I’m sorry.”

  Cookie was basing the curious girl on Cat-Eye Girl, the student who had shown them around.